Psyched With Dr. D: Emotional Wounds and How to Overcome Them!

Speaker 2:                    09:47                You're very hardworking. Like you could tell these skills from people that, and you know I've said this before, I think sometimes these traumas that we experience is good for us. It makes us be a different person. No, you're right. And it's like I think it gives people other abilities to compensate. Yeah. I don't know if you've read outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It's a great book and it talks about how he built gates and how all these guys kind of work. They were just set up at the right time. They had the right pieces of the puzzle. Yes, and I think a lot of people, and I can't remember the name of the book that I read that talked about people with learning disabilities like Richard Bronson, how he's dyslexic. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, broad sense. This Lexi and I was just trying to Google it right now is too, I think so.

Speaker 2:                    10:33                There's actually a lot of people and there was a book written and more people dyslexic than people know about and there's a lot more people that have learning disabilities that are successful because they're successful. We don't doubt. See that's the point. The point is like these people are very successful. We never doubt that they would have some sort of a disability and because we assume people with disability, they're never going to work out anywhere. They always going to be failures or they're going to be mediocre, average kind of Joe's that are working in this society making minimal salaries and that's it. We never really assume that actually some of these kids have been identified as having learning disability at a younger age and maybe it's somebody like you. That's why I think you're going to be very successful to be honest. I think it's because you have that drive and that where did that drive come from?

Speaker 2:                    11:20                It came from your experience at the beginning where they told you you can do certain things like you're never going to pass with good grade or are commenting about like your imagination was bad for you, which your imagination is not bad for you because now you're putting it into work. And so the idea is is that it's exactly what I'm saying is that you'll never, because automatically successful people, we assume they don't have any disability, disability people, we've already categorize them, right? Disabled people exceeding expectations. It is to see us folks, successful adults with learning disabilities. That was the book and it talks about

Speaker 1:                    12:52                Whereas I could've taken it a different way. I could have gotten all depressed, sad and with some people have and that kind of an expense. Now how old were you? I was like, when did you come to Kuwait? 2005 so I was like 2122 as soon as you came to Kuwait and there was an email that said open psychol

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

The project prod Kuwait lit lit. Hello everyone. Welcome to this episode with Dr D. Welcome. So today we learned a lot about emotional Warren emotional. This happens all my emotional growing up as a kid and me too actually the middle of my life. Yeah. Yeah, me too actually. And it made me think about those wounds with trauma and death and losing someone that you really care about or I think most listeners will get something out of this episode from any perspective, right? You'll get the healing process and try to deal with it. How to sort of get through it and persevere and use your emotional wounds and the connections with them as a strength in my thing. And it's very true. And I think we all have wounds and we all have that different type of points. And I think we all need to really work on them and put them in the past because they've really affected the way we live right now. And I think a lot of people are listening aren't gonna benefit. Yeah. So enjoy this episode guys. And don't forget, you can always DMSA and all this and more in today's episode. Hey guys, welcome to this episode with Dr d again and we were just talking about me and not having the courage to upload episodes 1,010 I know the, because I've never done podcasts, so this is like my first one. I've done a lot of TVs and radio and so this is like nice experience, a similarity and I first talked to you first then it was like you've started it earlier than me. I mean obviously doing it for awhile with the project. We've been doing it for like eight, nine months now. And before that I actually recorded four or five episodes and it was called Kuwait. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Shout out to Patrick for Sherry. He came into our house once and I don't know what we're doing and he goes, I had everybody come, wait a minute, wait a minute. It was a joke back then and that name just stuck with me. So I tried doing that and it was geared more towards societal issues and whatever, and it was geared towards societal issues and everything. And I bought my microphone, I did everything, recorded the episodes, created the notes, and I just never had the courage to apply. I why? What happened? I didn't have to give you some free therapy. I didn't have the guts then. What were you concerned? It was confidence. It was just someone was going to make fun. Yeah, buddy would listen to it. I see it. It wasn't even, it was just the confidence of, and I've always dealt with that of trying to make a decision and not being able to make the decision. And I look towards others for help. Like even until this day, if I'm writing something, my writing skills are horrible, so I'll, it will take me an hour to post something. Yeah. And they'll still be a spelling mistake or a grammatical mistake and then someone will call me out and then my confidence goes down. But now I've gotten to the point where I really just don't give a crap. I said instead of writing athlete the other day I wrote atheist[inaudible] no, that damn correct a thing on your phone. Oh my God. It was, that's what it did. And I didn't catch it and I was like, ha ha. You know, I made a joke out of it and then I just, well, maybe the unconscious what it to say, atheist. I know, right? I know it's like ambassador too, but it's like, it was just that confidence and I think now I'm more confident in creating and leading projects versus back then. So what did you do with those? Did you ever like download them? I still have them somewhere, man. Are they good? Yeah. I have no idea what he's talking about. Society. Just like probably interesting. I know. I'd love to hear it now and just kind of reflect on what it was like in 2009 I would love to hear it. I gotta look for him, but I know I have, I even found my first mic. I was taken through some of this stuff and I found the Mike that I had bought and hair was like, oh, you can use that for the podcast. I'm like, now this is old school. That's really very interesting because you know what you're saying is that your confidence had stopped you from starting this podcast in 2009 and I think we all struggle with that. Right, and this confidence really comes deep down from some way what we want to talk about, we want to talk about emotional wound and emotional wound somehow somewhere when we get them. One of the ways they express themselves is through this lack of confidence.[inaudible] interesting that you're saying like, yeah, I wasn't confident because what you're really saying is that I wasn't confident. I recorded all these, obviously you are confident record them, but then you're worried about evaluation, which is something that we constantly worry about when we put these things out there because we're worried about what people will say, what they like it, but they're not like it. It's all about other people's evaluation. Well, I grew up, I mean, when I was a kid I had a very vivid imagination and back in the 80s if you had a vivid imagination, you were all of a sudden labeled as ADHD, ADHD, mentally retarded or disabled in some thing. And My mother told me, my mother took me to all the doctors, cat scan, all kinds of crazy shit. And I was just a four year old that I created the story of Narnia. You ever see that movie? Narnia? Narnia. It's a kid's movie. They opened up the closet and they go into this whole different world and one day I see you in an imaginary and they thought that was bad. You know, they say it's amazing. Yeah, right. Oh,[inaudible] callers them. Yeah, a hundred percent he gave me, they gave me a complete complex. Wow. My mother and I remember this, they were like, yeah, he'll never tie his shoes. He'll never get a job. Like I was seriously stop and knowing you were not messed up. They were a mess. They were messed up. Exactly. Oh my. I see. This is what bothers me when people put labels on kids, see how it gave you an emotional wound. It made you feel that you're not

Speaker 2: 5:58

good enough and because somebody decided that imagination was wrong, you probably were distracted in class because you were so much into your imagination in daydreaming that they assumed you were being distracted by something more internal, which is chemical when really that's not true. See, and because of someone's action, they made your mom run around to all these doctors to be able to give you a label. Then they what the school wanted, wanted her to come back and say, yes, he's ADHD or he has some sort of a mental disability and now we can't have him in our school or he needs to be isolated and go to a special unit and now you're sitting here saying, someone decided this, decided that what I was doing was wrong and therefore they labeled me how sad it made me into the man I am today. I mean all are emotional wound. I think it's, it's true, but at that time you don't really think about it because we carried America. No, but it did make you the man that you are, but what it did also do to you is that actually it made you doubt your capability because they said that there was something wrong with you. I mean, think about the unconscious message you got or at least your mom got that she also gave to you, which was there is something wrong with your son. Yeah, no, 100% and then you grew up believing there's something wrong with you. What I do look at it in retrospect. I think it just gave me other skills. Like I learned how to lie around it. As a kid. I used to use it as a crutch. Like I have learning difficulties. I was just a little shit. I never studied. I never really put half the attention into schoolwork that I could have either then. But then you know, labeling you kind of gave you an excuse to not be able to do something else. That's true. It did. It set up the base for me not really giving as much attention to schoolwork and being more on the streets and getting into trouble and sports so to speak. Like that's really kind of what drove me towards sports. Like all right I suck at the book so maybe I can be better at sports and till this day I think I'm partially dyslexic anyways. But you know I always admire people cause you know, I see my students like that and I can always tell the person that has had some sort of a traumatic experience in their childhood for example, and how much they are an over achiever and how much they really are hard worker. And they'll meet with me a couple of times and sometimes they even like they're constantly coming to my office or seeing me after class. Am I doing this right? Am I doing this right? So you could tell those individuals that they are two things, they're hard workers, but also they're covering something deeper because they're needing reassurance and then you're wondering why do they need so much reassurance? Obviously there is something hidden that's causing them to doubt themselves. But then you get these other ones that have been wounded in the past or in their childhood or some sort of a trauma or a wound at a, caused them to grow up to believe that they're never gonna do any better. And these are the students that maybe not even show up to class, for example, they'll disappear for a long time. They'll show up maybe the last two or three weeks maybe. And then by then, you know they're already failing the class and they've never really asked for help because, and it's interesting cause I've asked one of the student, I said the same thing, like one student came three weeks ago and the couple of semesters are gone. I'm like, what can I do for you now? Three weeks. And you know what he said, well you know, I realize you're not going to do anything for me. That's why I didn't come. It's so it's an automatic idea that look, I already know I'm a failure and I'm going to fail anyways. So, but I was just coming to talk to you about it. I know you're not going to do. And I didn't expect anything because in my life nothing has ever like worked up. So you could tell. But then there are people, like I said, like yourself, like even when you were in school like 10 years or whatever, you, I always was impressed at how much you always like to do everything, right. You're very hardworking. Like you could tell these skills from people that, and you know I've said this before, I think sometimes these traumas that we experience is good for us. It makes us be a different person. No, you're right. And it's like I think it gives people other abilities to compensate. Yeah. I don't know if you've read outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It's a great book and it talks about how he built gates and how all these guys kind of work. They were just set up at the right time. They had the right pieces of the puzzle. Yes, and I think a lot of people, and I can't remember the name of the book that I read that talked about people with learning disabilities like Richard Bronson, how he's dyslexic. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, broad sense. This Lexi and I was just trying to Google it right now is too, I think so. There's actually a lot of people and there was a book written and more people dyslexic than people know about and there's a lot more people that have learning disabilities that are successful because they're successful. We don't doubt. See that's the point. The point is like these people are very successful. We never doubt that they would have some sort of a disability and because we assume people with disability, they're never going to work out anywhere. They always going to be failures or they're going to be mediocre, average kind of Joe's that are working in this society making minimal salaries and that's it. We never really assume that actually some of these kids have been identified as having learning disability at a younger age and maybe it's somebody like you. That's why I think you're going to be very successful to be honest. I think it's because you have that drive and that where did that drive come from? It came from your experience at the beginning where they told you you can do certain things like you're never going to pass with good grade or are commenting about like your imagination was bad for you, which your imagination is not bad for you because now you're putting it into work. And so the idea is is that it's exactly what I'm saying is that you'll never, because automatically successful people, we assume they don't have any disability, disability people, we've already categorize them, right? Disabled people exceeding expectations. It is to see us folks, successful adults with learning disabilities. That was the book and it talks about

Speaker 1: 11:54

if they weren't branded with dyslexia or ADHD or whatever, then they would have never had the hyper focus in other areas such as negotiation skills such as writing or creative writing. And it's funny how these emotional scars, these wounds that we get as children, for some of us, it really unleashes the best part of us. That's true. Versus other people. It doesn't. It will knock them down and then they turn towards drugs or anything else and they kind of use that as their escape from reality. And it just takes them down a different path. And it brings me back to when my brother died, my older brother, I was a bit of a trouble maker around that time and I wasn't the best kid on earth when he died. That really kind of reshaped my life in a huge way until this day. I think him passing away his death is what gave me success because I learned from that. Whereas I could've taken it a different way. I could have gotten all depressed, sad and with some people have and that kind of an expense. Now how old were you? I was like, when did you come to Kuwait? 2005 so I was like 2122 as soon as you came to Kuwait and there was an email that said open psychology hours cause you used to see students for free. I couldn't afford it back then, you know? So I thought that was great. And I came to see you about that just happened. It just happened. It was recent. It was fresh. It was like six, seven months, maybe a year after it. And so I remember it being fresh. I couldn't remember how long ago I had anger issues. I had a lot of, I had trouble focusing on schoolwork. I was not depressed, but I would say, yeah, label. You were depressed. I think that anger was that mask for you, but because it was still, it's still fast. You are going through the grief process and maybe at the beginning I don't remember all the details, but maybe at the beginning you didn't have the opportunity to be able to grieve because you're still angry and so anger is part of the grief process. So that was like one of your traumatic experience. I'll say a mom was going through a hard time. Your Dad was going through a hard time, so you didn't really have a lot of time to process it to yourself. No. My mother's husband had died six days after my brother, so it was like for my mom it was like till this day, I don't know how she handled it. It was like a double whammy. My brother dies and then six days later her husband dies and major trauma as he was becoming depressed too. So, and I think sometimes this is what happens with kids. It's like when a traumatic experience like that, I mean also my brother had died and I've told you that. Nice shared that with you because I wanted you to know that. So I mean I don't talk a lot about it. He died in 2000 and my brother was 34 and was fine. He had, he was married three kids and suddenly just had airism and collapsed when he was sleeping. And so, I mean, I've had some trauma. I mean immigrating to the u s I think for me, if I'm talking about my wounds, like was one dramatic experience

Speaker 2: 14:52

for me because we, it was a lot of changes. But with his death, what happened is that because he died, my parent, he was the only boy and you know where a Middle Eastern family. Right. And so that meant a lot for them. He was the only one that was getting carried. But thank God he was married and I had three boys. I mean that's like one of the thing that eased up a little bit because he had three boys and they carried their name. But I remember when he died, there was no time for me to grieve. The only thing I felt like, first of all, I was like, I was in my graduate program. Actually, the interesting thing is I had just finished my doctorate in psychology and I was graduating October 14 and my brother died October four so even going to that, here I am, all these 10 years waiting for a meeting to get my doctorate and I worked very hard and when I went to my graduation, I was not gonna go to my group because it's like 10 days after he died. My mom definitely, I mean she was very depressed. My Dad, I think he was depressed, but he was trying to be strong. Here I am, I can be excited about this doctor that I just got and I think it was because two of my best friends said, no, you got to go graduate. You have to go to graduation cause I didn't even like go to my bachelor or my masters actually. So I was waiting for this thing. And then this thing here, like my whole family didn't come. My sister came one sister because everyone was so traumatized at this person that we didn't think that he had any medical problem. It goes home, has dinner, sleeps, and then they never wakes up. And his youngest child is like less than a year. And so what happened is that I wasn't given an opportunity to really grief, I was asked, because you're the psychologist now, so now you have to like pamper them. You have to make sure that you understand their feelings. There was trauma everywhere and we were bombarded. In my culture, it's like 45 days, people are going in and out of your house because they're trying to keep you busy so that way you're not think about the trauma that's happening. And so I felt like bombarded by people and then now it's like my mom and dad are losing their mind and my mom is like freaking out at night saying, no, no, no. I know he's coming back and all of these things and you're like, wow. And it's very interesting because you don't, they felt like I left my grief aside because now I got to take care of all these people and then because I'm supposed to and I'm the child so they're the parents. Make sure everyone's okay before you start experiencing it. I think he's one of us. So you can't even go through the grief process. I mean the same thing we do is like, mom is depressed now you are, who's your accurate, secure? My mom, I had to move back to, yes, that was part of the reason why I moved back to quit. I probably would never move back. Why should I move here? Because I wanted to be away from that environment. So I felt like it was an opportunity for sucked into the environment. Well, I mean I felt like it was a good opportunity to come here and I also, I feel like I needed a fresh break to be honest. I felt like as long as I stayed there and there was a lot of family drama and then there was more drama with the sister-in-law and the grandkids and I just couldn't handle anymore. I decided I was teaching there and I like finish my four years and I was still fresh in my experience

Speaker 1: 17:50

and I thought why not? I can come here and got a great opportunity with the university and then as long as I was able to practice some license in the state, but still, I didn't really think I was going through it until I came here. Even though he could die 2000 I came in 2005 so the last two years I felt like there was a little breathe for me, but it was never going to be me time until I moved. But isn't it amazing how easily shaped we are from traumatic experiences such as that and how to people can have the complete opposite happen? For me, I mean my brother, God rest his soul. He was all about family, all about this. And it seemed like after new weren't no. At the time I wasn't, and it's just kind of funny because after he had died, like I started gaining those values. And then when I had my son DJ, my brother's name was at the age and his nickname was DJ. So I named DJ after him and I remember holding DJ for the first time and it was like, okay, life's come full circle. And I think that's shaped me into the father that I am today. And it gives me chills just talking about it. Cause my brother was, he was all about the family. He was all about, whenever I had an issue, me and him, we could be fighting, arguing, whatever. But if I had gotten into a fight and six guys were trying to beat me up, my brother would be there. You know, it was like he always came to the rescue school. He always talked to my teachers, like he gave me certain values that I took away from and it made me stronger. But for some people, like my mother, she's just gotten weaker over the years. I don't think she's ever healed from it. And I don't think she ever will. Granted being a parent is different and it makes sense of why you felt like you lost a big piece of views because he was like a really mentor. He was used to my parents, like my mother, you know, I grew up, my mother was always at work. My Dad was never around, so my brother essentially raised me as a kid. So it was significant Indian. Oh yeah, 100% yeah. I shared a room with him for 22 years. I shared, I shared a room in our house with him for majority of my teenage years. And then when we moved to the states together, we shared my sister's basement and we shared an apartment together. And yeah, we were like brothers. We still fought, but we still bonded. And that was a big piece of your life. So that obviously losing him, losing that support system, cause it sounds, what you're saying is that it's really made you feel safe. And I think that's what the important is that it's the person that he felt safe with him. So losing him, that's like your whole world. Shocked, but I think what your question is is that what causes some people to live with their wound and some people to actually move on. And I think that there's a lot of body of research that talks about resilience. And actually yesterday I was meeting with a student to a student of mine are going to be research and are going to do a paper on resiliency and what makes people resilient, which is create and also do they have, we're going to compare it to physical health and mental. And so what

Speaker 2: 20:48

you're really talking about is that what created your result now you might've not been that strong if your brother would've continued alive. I think you ever questioned for you. Yeah, this goes beyond anything we were talking about and it's, I love the way you like throw these is kind of like into genetics also. I mean do you think a, there's a genetical component, like there's genetics play a big factor in it. If there's a gene that switches on, cause I almost died when I was a baby. I was one of those kids that was born. I mean, my mother tells me the story. She was like, there was blood all over the room. Oh, team out. The cord was wrapped around your neck. You were blue in the face. You literally almost died right. Now. Do you think that played a factor in it somehow? Because I mean Freud always talked about our unconscious, everything is buried in our unconscious all the way back into the day we were born. That's right. Right? Yes. It talks about instincts, instincts. So that primal instinct to survive and this way to live was there from the get go. So do you think there is a genetical component that is mixed in and it's activated with that near death experience? I definitely believe there there's a genetic predisposition to things. So there is a genetic component that kind of gets activated because now, but then there's genetics. It could be because we have that fight or flight, right? So obviously that's like inborn tendency that we tend to realize. So, I mean, and if you think about it, when your brother died, you realize that there's no one else that's going to help you or take care of you but you and so maybe you trigger that aspect, that gene or that fight or flight, so now you're going to fight or flight your life because now there's no one else to be fighting for. You are going to school on your behalf or supporting you with your problems. You lost that support and therefore actually there is a thing about this is the reason why we say we shouldn't pamper kids because what we're doing is is that we're not teaching them coping mechanisms. We're not activating that gene. We're not activating that process where now you're realizing that you need to depend on yourself and so when your brother died, I think something triggered and you're realizing now it could be genetic or it could be environmental because you realizing, okay, if I don't feel like people I grew up around definitely was not an environment. It might be the idea in your head that you trigger realize, well, my only support who raised me is not going to be here to solve my problem. I need to get my life together. I mean, I cannot deny that genetic is an important part of us and they do get activity. I always say that to people like there are certain genes that needs to be activated and if you don't activate them, nothing's going to happen. For example, if you do come from a family that is very intelligent, for example, or even people that are like artistic, there are people who have come from families that are artistic and they've never really pursued that artistic part of them. And there's other people that they come from family of artistic and they've triggered that gene of being special or artistic in one way and then they excel in it. It doesn't mean that people don't have, it can be really musicians artistic. They need to activate that gene. Right? Yeah. And it helps you accelerate much more or get better at it. I mean exactly what for me, I felt like when, I mean I've always been a strong person, but then we go back to that idea that genetics, like I have a lot of women in my family are all strong. So I definitely feel like I have that mental, it's an environmental Jude because most of the women in my family, they tend to be more independent. They tend to be problem solvers. They carry the responsibility they can manage by themselves or with a spouse. So either way they're very, very strong and they tend to attract men that are not that strong and that depend on them also. So I feel like maybe part of it genetically I am made to be also strong and strong is good because when I went through this trauma of my brother dying, we didn't even expect it was the first time really. Actually I've suffered someone very important to me dying beside like old grandparents. So I think it just triggered the idea that I need to be strong. I needed to hold things together. I needed to manage because my nephews were very small. I just felt like I needed to do something to keep everybody intact because when someone dies, the whole system is falling apart. Things are like, in my opinion, are the hardest emotional wounds to deal with. One is death of a close family member or death of someone you're serenely close to you and sexual violation and I think sexual violation, something. We could talk about it in a whole episode on its own, but emotional wound could be also coming from like a major breakup. For example, you're in love with this person. You trusted this person and suddenly they violate you. Even with domestic violence, like they're abusive to you. How could they say they love you but they're abusive to you or that they leave you, they cheat on you, they leave you and you'll feel like you're wounded because here you are. You're trusted. This person, it's the same thing as what your brother did to you. What my brother did to me in a way, they left us at the beginning and I didn't know what it was. Yeah, it was hate. I was like, why did he leave me? Why did he leave me with this mess of my mother? My father was very difficult to deal with. So I get what you're saying. No, I mean they left us. I mean they did not pick by choice or whatever it was. But at that time, the only thing you saw, same thing I saw, I was like, why did he leave? His kids were so small and why we couldn't. And then this is the reason why a lot of parents, when their kid dies young, they go around trying to find a reason. Was it something we've done? Was it something? And you know, parents also have this survival guilt that causes them to become depressed because they're not expecting that he would go first. Right? So the emotional wound is where there's a scar. I may just scar and it could be many of them. So if you have someone that left you, that left you for death or abandoned you because they're saying to you, I don't no longer want you in my life. Or if you been in love with someone and that person harms you because they give you a wound because now your wound will be your own trust because they cheated or that the violence violated sexually. Of course. Now that is definitely me. There you see it, younger adults or even college students where they are like date rape or even like walking down the street and and unfortunately someone rapes you of course. So these wounds, what do we do with them? Yeah, that's the question. The question is like, okay, so I can walk around being wounded because my brother left me or your brother left your, I was in a relationship where I really loved someone and he left me. So the idea is is that what do I do? Do I walk around this one suit I, because it's going to affect every aspect of my life. It made me feel guilty that I was alive and you know my mom, not that she meant it, but because he was the only boy. There was always when she was depressed and she was griefing, she would make comments like, because we're five girls, one boy, she would make comments like, why did he go? God could have taken one of you girls. Wow. Exactly. And the thing is is that it's very tough because in her mind the idea is is that this boy was very important. I mean, my mom and my brother were so close and the idea is, is that for her? Of course. So my anger was like, why would you say something like that? But I'm sure that now she was like, I don't think I said that because he was the president in her depression stage. This is the way she was justifying it or trying to understand why God would do this to me. Again, that victimization or your question for you, we're talking about all this and I'm going to throw something out here where I might sound like a jerk, but do you think it's just the strong versus the weak? Like you had said, this made you stronger. This made me stronger. Other people, they're just weak characters. I think the personality trait really plays they're weak characters because then we can look. We also have to understand that this is a frame of mind. I am a strong person, but I still had a lot of wounds that kind of carried me down. I wasn't confident, neither were you. So these wounds did make us lose confidence in ourselves. I mean, I lost the ability to be able to make decisions. I was constantly bombarded with the idea. Something is going to happen some more. That thing happened may be able to draw more bad things coming through. Right? The bad thing is that I decided prophecy. If you believe that things come in threes, won't you sort of create the whole, of course crap happens in threes and cause you protect it again, bad things happen in threes. The ideas is that that just, it's a way we want to protect ourselves. It's not true. There's no evidence out there that says the world conspires against. But I truly believe people, my mother also set down a lot of people, like the older people that have that belief actually that something else bad is gonna happen because they have this mentality that one person died to other people. Actually my cousin, my first cousin also died like three months later and an accident. So is it, do they come in threes? I mean, I don't know. I think it's a protection. It could be coincidence and it was meant to be, but I think we protect ourselves because now we're, we want to be able to, any other traumatic, there's defensive walls sort of already set up of course. But you know, I go back to your question. So it's not the weak or the strong and it's, the idea is, is that even individuals who are sensitive Emmy, we all know that certain personalities survives more. Yeah. If you're a strong personality, if you're very determined, you're going to survive. But does that mean people that are not have a strong personality, will they be able to be dismissed from the world? And not do anything in life. It's not true. What they need to do is make a commitment to themselves that I'm not going to let this wound follow me through life. I can't be looking in the mirror and the only thing I remember is the wound that I went through because I lost someone that loved me or because I felt abandoned or whatever. What we need to do is make it so I think the strong personality, not because it's strong. I made a decision, I changed my lifestyle. Like I moved here. I wanted to give myself a fresh start, for example. That's one thing I could do. The ideas is that I also became a parent. Then I have my son who's 14 now, so there was a decision. I started to add new things to my life because I wanted to make a difference. So what people need to realize if, because if we fall into the trap, well, she has a strong personality anyways. I hear people say that, well, no, she's strong. She survived this one. She'll never survive. She's weak. We're already telling these individuals that you're going to walk around feeling sorry for yourself and you're not going to make a commitment to yourself that I'm saying most people that really do well in therapy are the ones that are smart and they come and say, look, this is my issue and I'm determined by being here. I want to get over it, and then so it's a commitment that I make and that you made you made a commitment. It's not because you're strong, you decided to let your brother rest and peace and that I am going to carry the torch now and have the values that he taught me and continue creating your own values. So we all need to make that commitment. The problem with people is some people are lazy. Some people, it's easier to sit there, do the self pity because they haven't worked on themselves. Working on yourself takes a lot of work. No one was like you or me. Nobody comes up and says, okay, I worked very hard. You have worked very hard. Some people don't want to work the heart, but they want to experience the result. What goes on in the mind of a narcissist when something like that, when an emotional wound happens. I mean, my father, I still believe he's kind of narcissistic actually. She's extremely narcissistic. We've agreed on that back in the sessions back this, the people who don't have empathy. I mean I[inaudible], it's not one of the quality. You don't have empathy, but not at all feel sorry for anyone. If you lose a value family member or someone close to you, they feel sad a little bit, but they move on very quickly. Of course it's a cover, right? So what our narcissism wounds from childhood, like your dad beating you or something or that's why they're narcissists, right? Or they have a called mom. I mean there are two types of narcissist, right? There's the grandiose and the vulnerable one and the vulnerable ones that came from these parents that are abusive or cold, and then they, of course, the Diaz are the one that parents are like glorified. Everything you're doing puts you on a high plateau. Our society with males, basically our society with like the male figureheads of a family. Of course nowadays you see it a lot. How do they deal with emotional one? I think narcissists don't really think about these wounds. What they're thinking about is the next step for them. Right? How do they move on and how to most narcissist move on and we'll watch on your relationship. Try to capitalize on something like this. I they could to, because remember narcissist also like victimization. So yes, so they want to be victims. Sorry, I had to throw that. That's true. I was just curious about the true event. So they'll walk around, victimizing the situation and poor me and I just lost my son and whatever in dear father's case. And or so they live in that because what are they trying to do? Remember they're trying to get someone else to give them that spotlight. So then once you speak to mise yourself, you have a scenario in your head. Suddenly it becomes their issue instead of really it's your brother who passed away. Now it becomes their issue. It's constantly, they bring it back to themselves. But it's funny, my father, who I've always thought it was narcissistic. I mean, I hope he doesn't listen to this episode. Maybe I am diagnosing here. Maybe I shouldn't. We don't talk about my brother like we Seldomly talk about mark. We don't talk about him at all. Actually never to be honest with you, even when I mentioned, oh I named DJ after my brother, he didn't say anything. He doesn't say anything. He makes silly emotional. It's the only way to survive. Right? Yeah. And so the idea is is that lots of people, they do numb themselves. They don't want to talk. And that's when it becomes an emotional wound. Because remember a wound is something that you've covered up and then it goes into displacement. It goes to the displacement. That's right. And so that our projection projecting[inaudible] I just use display. So cause that's what I used to do. I used to displace with my anger. That's right. So oftentimes it's like, and then it comes to haunt you later. So you could displace it all you want. Projected all you want. Ultimately what happens when we get older, it's like the demons coming out because then you're starting to realize your life is not happy. You're constantly feeling rejected, abandoned, and then muster. Sometimes when it comes to like this sexual rejection where people have been sexually violated, even the partners that they attract, they tend to abuse them. They tend to take advantage of them because you haven't really resolved. Don't walk around. These wounds are very important that you don't a internalize and make it look like it's your fault and you have to realize that this emotional wound does not have to become you. That's what people need to understand my trauma, my experiences in life, that they don't have to become me. I can change their perception to make them positive for me and I think people like need to get off this idea that, well, I'm not as strong. I cannot forget this. It kills me when I have clients saying, no, no, no. I can never forget this person leaving me. I just can move on. Like somebody just two days ago told me they were in a relationship for 20 years. This isn't a 90 or toggle by, right. The person has left them. I said, they left you in the nineties like I was like, you know here. I'm like, okay. And I'm like, well Ed, did you remarry again? Did you ever? No, no, no. I can never. That's fine. It's the personal choice. But the ideas is that the say that I can never move beyond this person who actually left me, but I was very connected to him these many years. Okay. So the idea is is that that means it's a mindset. Do you want to move on or you don't want to move on? Everyone needs to look at themselves in the mirror and decide, today I have decided I'm going to move on. I can't let this emotional wound be the priority in my life. You can't. And people think that they don't have control. They have control. I have control over what I'm going to decide, what should be controlling me. And people need to understand, we have a lot more control than we think actually. So yes, we can blame it on trades. Yes, I am a strong person. I was born as a stroke person, but I don't think I was this strong. I've decided to become,

Speaker 1: 36:43

you made a decisive decision. Yeah, and I mean it's like one of my buddies, mark, he used to say this when we were kids. Well, I was like 18 when something bad would happen. He always said this. He would be like, look, if it doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger. Maybe

Speaker 2: 36:57

we should look at these things. I mean, that's why I tell you, remember when I talk about the psychological immune system, I tell people that when they're praying and they're saying, please God, don't put us through any trauma. I mean, nobody wants trauma, but when it happens, why do we look at it as a crutch? Instead of saying, okay, this happened. We all need a grief period. Especially for that. So we grieved, all right, I've gone through the process and now I need to move on. I cannot be stuck. So emotional wounds keep us stuck at that time. Like this person who is in the 90s didn't have a relationship because of so or this other person because their brother died or their sister, Ida. I don't know the patient or father died 10 years ago. Still stuck 10 years. It's a choice. You want to be stuck 10 years. But you can't come to me and say to me, look, I'm unhappy. I always crying and I feel I cannot make decisions. I can't move on with my life. All of these are connected to this. People don't want to see the connection. There's a connection. So when we go back 10 years and I say, look, now we need to grieve. We need to say goodbye to daddy cause he's gone. You have to make a commitment holding on to these memories. They're not serving you a purpose. But for people that are afraid to move on, this is how they keep themselves going every day by holding on to their fears. And so this girl, 10 years ago, Dad died and I'm still, I mean she was like, you cannot believe Maddie. She was talking to me. I swear, I thought she was going to tell me that dad just died a week ago. Really? So when I'm talking, you know, at the first session I'm taking notes and I'm thinking, oh, your dad died. I'm so sorry. And then I say, what year it was 10 years ago. Exactly. Wow. And the tears, the, that tells you where that person is stuck. We all need to know where we're stuck. Often time we're stuck at a wound, we need to go back. Don't be scared to go back. Go back, get a therapist to help you go back. And I'm going to talk about hypnosis. I'm talking about memory of it back I hypnosis, Mitel, go back. Realize it was so like the hip knows I don't like it. I remember in class you're like, there is hypnosis. I think there's definitely says, I mean, I totally, I mean that, you know, I mean I have colleagues that do it and I have friends that do it. I mean, I don't do it, but it means to change stages. I mean, there are people that would swear about that hypnosis has helped them, but you know, literature that has a very, very concrete, no, I don't mind. Hypnosis has been very well known for like addictions, right? Even eating, but I don't really think it recuperates memory. I don't, I haven't read anything that has made me believe that it recuperates memories. But even that wound that wound noses, if you don't remember, like if some tragedy, traumatic people think that traumatic experience happened to me at five and I can't remember it. They think hypnosis is going to help them. I don't think so, but whatever. But the ideas is I'm going to have all these hypnotherapist attack this. I mean, to me it doesn't now, but the idea is like most of the time I know my wound was when my brother died. So I go back there. I put those memories in peace. I gotta to move on. I can be holding and I can, it's a choice. Okay. I've decided I don't want to let go of his memory because sometimes people don't want to get like go have memories of people that they've loved because they feel guilty because now I'm not going to remember my brother. He will still remember him in good times and bad times. You still can morse over him. It's okay, but still my life doesn't have to be stuck in those emotional wounds. I really, really want everyone that hears this, realizes that identify your emotional wounds, go back to it, come in peace with it and move on because you can't live another 20 I can't imagine living another 2030 or 40 years with that same thing, that sadness, that grief and never been able to make a decision. Make my life happier. I can be happy. So people say, can you please make me happy? And they've got all these baggage. Ah yes I can, but let's clean up. We clean up houses. Everyone needs to clean a house. Clean your house 100% and on that note, I think we should end it right there. That's true. And if you have any questions, head over to Instagram DM, Dr Dinka DM, the Project Kuwait. We'll try and answer them as best as we can. Thank you.

Speaker 3: 40:57

Thanks for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please head over to iTunes to subscribe rate and leave a review. You can also find us on Instagram at Project Kuwait. Thank you. And join us next time.